back to school

It's back to school time again. As I took A to his new 2nd grade class this past Tuesday, I flashed forward to three years from now - his 5th grade year and the final grade at that school. I could see us - him trying to keep me from embarassing him - and me trying to say "I love you" in a subtle way. And I felt now what I will feel then - it all goes by too quickly.

I have a number of friends all along the family raising spectrum. Friends with no kids, a new baby, a teenager, a grown family. And we all feel the same way - "Somebody tell us what to do and then stop time so we can get it done before this little stage is all over." I guess I'm just feeling a little bit of mortality and life stage angst.

Things have been changing for me recently - I'm feeling a big ol' push to get out of my rut...my well lived in and well loved rut. It's a safe place. I know who is going to show up and I know what they're going to do. It's me all the way. Especially when A is gone to his dads. Nothing much goes on and I'm mostly waiting around for him to come home so I can laugh some more. God, it sounds so sad when I see it all in black and white like this.

But I've learned some lessons recently, the biggest one being that when you trust someone to make a decision, don't be surprised when they make the right one. Sometimes we all hope for wrong decisions, I think. Well, for others to make wrong decisions. We don't plan on making them ourselves. And it surprises us when we do.

So I'm ready for fall. For good decisions and new friends. For 2nd grade innocence and fart jokes (he is 7 after all). I'm ready to embrace what's coming and celebrate what I've had. And I'm a bit wiser, too. Although, don't expect too much yet. I've still got a furnished rut I'm trying to sell. Anyone?

Connections

I've been thinking a lot about connections the past two days. My first true love (ah, youth) contacted me on facebook after 16 or so years. I've been thrown back into a memory tailspin ever since. It's amazing to me that remembering comes so easily. It's like I saw him yesterday - I can still picture places we went and things we did. The relationship wasn't all roses. Hell, I was 17 when it started and he was 15 (yes, a younger man). But there is something sweet and innocent about the memories which have wrapped me up in a soft quilt of remembering.

And it's true, this type of connection hasn't been possible for long. Our social networking is growing by leaps and bounds. I guess the husband of a woman I grew up with is one of my old flames close friends. Or at least one of his facebook friends. Amazing the full circle-ness of it all.

And am I happy he contacted me? Yep. There's been some sort of healing the sorts of which I wasn't even aware I needed. He sent me a balm which is closing some open hurts - nothing that I could say has been bothering me for the past 16 years - but I cared so deeply for him it's nice to hear the I'm sorry.

And the truth is, it's giving me an opportunity to return to days I've long forgotten and remember myself, so full of hopes and promise, as I approach my 40th birthday. There is still some of that young girl inside of me and I'm happy to visit with her a while and walk with her into the what's next.

Thanks.