Old Friends

So many old friends!

Through the latest and greatest social networking sites I have encountered a lot of old friends. Old loves - old crushes - old buddies - old soul mates.

I almost can't believe how some of them have found me and I them. There are the stories of warning: I reconnected with one old love, only to disconnect a few weeks later. But, truthfully, it was an intense (and lovely) few weeks of reconnection.

I've reconnected with old friends - old crushes - some of whom don't look anything like I remember. Some of whom are sick. Some of whom are grouchy. Some of whom have welcomed me home with open arms.

Old best friends from college - dear ones I thought I would never lose - but those I had lost - are now found and celebrated.

Best friends I have lost and found number of times are still around and willing to engage in newness.

And it seems that more and more I can guess that if I search for an old friend, and they are not there yet, they will be within a week or so. I just "added" a friend of mine from camps/high school/college and I loved just seeing a picture of him with his baby!

And best friends I have always been with, always loved - those who have stuck with me through all of this - they're on there too and even with them, I know more about what happens with their day to day than when we only had the phone.

I guess I'm just being thoughtful - seeing F on here really made me smile. As do all my old friends. As do you.

Snow

It snowed last night. Finally! Living in Colorado, waiting for snow is like trying to scratch an itch you can't reach or control. We wait and wait. And it itches and itches. And I'm not a skiier or boarder - I just know that snow means winter. And winter is a big part of life in colorado. Every day past Halloween that it doesn't snow, folks here get a little anxious. It's like we know it's coming so come on already! And here it is.

Of course, a little snow in November doesn't mean the end of 60 degree days. Heck, a little snow in January doesn't mean that either. Yesterday it was 63 and I wore a long sleve shirt. Today, 32 and a coat. God, I love Colorado.

I downloaded some good ol' Brewer and Shilpey on my Zune last night. I heard them long ago in Kansas City at an outdoor concert. I didn't see them because we were listening over a wall. But I still remember hearing their music and falling in love. You've got to love a duo that come up with the line "one toke over the line, sweet Jesus." I mean, many of their songs are spiritual with a good dose of pot. Love it! It amazes me that I can carry around this tiny music maker (my Zune) with music that 10 years ago I could only hear on an album. A record. Remember those?

For a sweet while, my dear friend Lanie and I scoured vintage stores for records - old folkies like B&S, Melanie, JT, Carole King...I loved the hunt and I loved the reward. Beautiful music I listened to on my little turn table which reminded me of my Hippie self.

I miss her, sometimes, that old hippie me.

back to school

It's back to school time again. As I took A to his new 2nd grade class this past Tuesday, I flashed forward to three years from now - his 5th grade year and the final grade at that school. I could see us - him trying to keep me from embarassing him - and me trying to say "I love you" in a subtle way. And I felt now what I will feel then - it all goes by too quickly.

I have a number of friends all along the family raising spectrum. Friends with no kids, a new baby, a teenager, a grown family. And we all feel the same way - "Somebody tell us what to do and then stop time so we can get it done before this little stage is all over." I guess I'm just feeling a little bit of mortality and life stage angst.

Things have been changing for me recently - I'm feeling a big ol' push to get out of my rut...my well lived in and well loved rut. It's a safe place. I know who is going to show up and I know what they're going to do. It's me all the way. Especially when A is gone to his dads. Nothing much goes on and I'm mostly waiting around for him to come home so I can laugh some more. God, it sounds so sad when I see it all in black and white like this.

But I've learned some lessons recently, the biggest one being that when you trust someone to make a decision, don't be surprised when they make the right one. Sometimes we all hope for wrong decisions, I think. Well, for others to make wrong decisions. We don't plan on making them ourselves. And it surprises us when we do.

So I'm ready for fall. For good decisions and new friends. For 2nd grade innocence and fart jokes (he is 7 after all). I'm ready to embrace what's coming and celebrate what I've had. And I'm a bit wiser, too. Although, don't expect too much yet. I've still got a furnished rut I'm trying to sell. Anyone?

Connections

I've been thinking a lot about connections the past two days. My first true love (ah, youth) contacted me on facebook after 16 or so years. I've been thrown back into a memory tailspin ever since. It's amazing to me that remembering comes so easily. It's like I saw him yesterday - I can still picture places we went and things we did. The relationship wasn't all roses. Hell, I was 17 when it started and he was 15 (yes, a younger man). But there is something sweet and innocent about the memories which have wrapped me up in a soft quilt of remembering.

And it's true, this type of connection hasn't been possible for long. Our social networking is growing by leaps and bounds. I guess the husband of a woman I grew up with is one of my old flames close friends. Or at least one of his facebook friends. Amazing the full circle-ness of it all.

And am I happy he contacted me? Yep. There's been some sort of healing the sorts of which I wasn't even aware I needed. He sent me a balm which is closing some open hurts - nothing that I could say has been bothering me for the past 16 years - but I cared so deeply for him it's nice to hear the I'm sorry.

And the truth is, it's giving me an opportunity to return to days I've long forgotten and remember myself, so full of hopes and promise, as I approach my 40th birthday. There is still some of that young girl inside of me and I'm happy to visit with her a while and walk with her into the what's next.

Thanks.

True Colors

Well, I've been gone from home for a long, long time. And, I'm leaving again day after tomorrow. I'm tired. But surprisingly, I'm doing quite well in the fibromyalgia department. Yay!

I went with my sister-in-law (my favorite concert sistah) to the True Colors Tour concert last Sunday night and it was incredible! I mean, come on...Joan Armetrading, Rosie Odonnell, Cyndi Lauper, Carson Kressley and my fave - the B-52s. At Red Rocks. You wish you had been there, right?

Everyone there was in love with each other. It was a benefit for the Human Rights Campaign and PFLAG. Love it!

On the way home we (my sistah and I ) talked about being real and how it is so difficult to find groups of people you can totally be yourself around. I struggle with this and the Church. We try so hard to be perfect - and fail - that we assume everyone else is perfect. While they're just failing also. What would it be like if we all dropped our perfect facade and were laid bare before each other. I don't know. I think it would take a revolution of sorts. We could begin with self-love and acceptance. And we could promise each other that through each day we would try to remember that we are all "Everyday People".

You show me your truth and I'll show you mine.

Really? Do you think we could?

Ready
Set
GO!

Of headaches, family reunions, and Paradise

It's been a busy summer thus far and we're still in its infancy. A couple of weeks ago, just as school got out, A got the worst headache he's ever had (at 10:30 p.m.). I decided to take him to urgent care - he got sick in the car - and when we got there he was in desperate, screaming pain. After some meds to calm his stomach and ease his pain, the lovely Dr. Mike told me that he felt A needed to have a CAT scan to check for brain bleeding or tumors. NOW. So I took A to the hospital where another lovely Dr. took great care of us. A actually slept through the scan which was short. His brain came out looking perfect (thank Goddess) and we were sent home with a migraine diagnosis and some meds to have in our migraine "toolkit."

The whole experience was interesting for me in many ways. I was alone with A in the middle of the night and the Drs were so kind and compassinate. It is much different being a patient vs. being mama. As a patient, the Dr always is introduced as Dr. last name. As a mama, they were both Dr. first name. As a patient, there is always suspision, especially as someone who needs pain meds to exist in the world. Often, you are treated as med seeking. As a mama, especially on your own, you are supported and treated with care. The whole experience, while scary and stressful, gave me hope in the medical profession.

And A is doing fine and better.

I promised family reunions and Paradise but, alas, dinner time is here and it will have to wait.

Peace

summer time blues

Ok, I'm not really blue. But sometimes I get a little worried about summer. Being a single mom and having A home a lot more is exciting and nerve producing all at the same time. I want to be super mom and always have great ideas and be prepared for taking A on fun adventures. But sometimes I'm so tired and a nap seems to be all I can get done. One of the best things about A being with his dad is that they do a lot of outdoor activities which I can't seem to do.

It's an internal struggle I have and not just while I'm with A. There's always something I would like to be doing and rarely do I have the stamina or gumption.

I need to take things one day at a time and do what I have the power to do (I don't think I came up with that one). Fibromyalgia can be soul sucking and I often give it that power.

So I resolve to give myself a break this summer. To try some new things, to push myself when I can. I will rest when I need to and dance whenever possible. I will meet some new people and snuggle with A a lot. I will try to live as if I had the energy I did when I was 29. Oh, wait...I didn't have energy then, either. Ok...cut that last one.

Heck, you know what I mean.

Peace