Happy Bday to me!

I have a love-hate relationship with my birthday. Some of the most traumatic days I have ever had have been this day. Bad stuff. But each year, I experience an overwhelming sense of hope for the year to come. Thank God I can truthfully say that this past year has been one of the best if not the best year of my life. I believe that this birthday not only gives me time to reflect on that but the hope to believe that the trend will continue.

So what is my wish? I had four candles placed in front of me and was told one was for the past, one for the present, one for the future and one for my wish. Of course, I was reminded, a wish only comes true if you don't tell anyone what it is. So you can guess all you want, my dreams are sealed.

Here's to growing a year older. Here's to the last year of a decade (again, you'll have to guess which one), here's to a birthday which celebrates earth day. Here's to healing and standing up for oneself. Here's to new understandings and new desires. Here's to coming home in my own body. And finally, here's to all of my dear friends and family that hold me in their hearts. Thanks, passionate, creative, lover, God. Thanks for this life. I'm doing my best.

Hello. Here's the thing. Those of us who have a strong desire to see changes in the policy (in the CofC Denomination) which keeps gay men and lesbians (not to mention bi-sexual and transgendered persons - and hey - what would we do with someone who is transsexual?)out of the Priesthood are sick and tired of waiting. And frankly, tired of discerning. And listening. All I know to do is start praying. Start praying that the brothers and sisters around the world who claim God as their Creator will acknowledege the beauty of all creation. Start praying that whatever it takes to change an archaic policy will happen sooner than later. Start praying that those who are too tired, to hurt, too sad, too disgusted, too frustrated to wait any longer will still be around and open when we finally do the right thing. Start praying for our souls. Because I fear that if we don't move forward on this and start acknowledging and accepting ministry from all those whom God has called, we will have some serious explaining to do.

God help us all.

I will not be

I will not be your e-mail manager
I will not be your school directory
I will not be your phone messanger
I will not be your absolutionist
I will not be your memory
I will not be your timer
I will not be your late excuse
I will not be your active listener
I will not be your forgiveness
I will not be your reader
I will not be your advisor
I will not be your kiss up
I will not be your warm fuzzy
I will not be yours
I will not be yours
I will not be yours

I've been hurting

Well, it seems my old fling fibromyalgia has been sneaking in at night and having its' way with me. When fibro calls, there is no choice but to answer the phone - if you know what I mean. I decided a long time ago that having a fibro flare, while sucky at its best, didn't have to mean I labeled the experience a "setback" or that I had to lose hope. Truth is, if this is a setback, I'm starting my whole life over about every 4-5 weeks.

Deep in the fiber of my being I've begun to flirt with the idea that these are the best years of my life so far. I haven't decided that of course, but I'm thinking about making the declaration soon.

Here's what's good:

I get two days a week (when A is with his dad) to do anything I want. Go anywhere. Enjoy what I want to enjoy. The fact that I usually sit at home on my ass and read or watch tv doesn't mean I can't get up and go out if want to. It's a nice option.

I have a great job annd I work with good people. I love to preach, love to be with others in the mess and beauty of their spirit. I have many opportunities to be successful which always feels good, and many opportunities to mess up which always pushes me to learn.

I love being with my son and get to spend the majority of my week with him. He makes me laugh, keeps me honest, and accepts me, foibles and all. I get to play a lot and read to him a lot and learn a lot and teach a lot.

I am terrifically close with my mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law, and niece and nephew. They all support me completely and love me totally. We live close by each other and visit often. I am a daughter, sister and auntie - and I love each role equally.

I am a part of a church community which I adore. These are people I have grown up with, experienced life with, love. They are people who accept me and encourage me.

I have a great therapist. Enough said.

I am always learning about God in the world and in my life. She fills me and breathes in me and moves me. She is ever present and always Love and Life.

I've been reading some fantastic fiction -women writers preferably and usually. And I've been watching fun and moving movies lately. Good stuff.

I love listening to the soundtrack for the movie Once. It fills my soul.

I have amazing, life-long friends who have stuck with me through all of this stuff. They are great support and love for me. I have at least one particular friend from all of my life experiences (high school, college, Grad school, work...) who I am still in touch with and see on a regular basis.

I have a great new dog.

My body is strong and carries me and helps me do good things.

I am finding new ways to be in the world and work for justice.

Ok, that was cathartic and powerful to me. I need to re-read this every day because, unfortunately, I don't always have this perspective. Thus begins the revolution of loving one's life.

Join me?

Happy

Well, I did it. I got a dog. I said I would, you know!

A and I went to the humane society and found "Happy" a sweet 3 year old schnauzer who loves to snuggle. Just what I need.

I'm worried that A, at 7 years old, has migraines. He gets terrible headaches and then throws up. A response to stress that mirrors one his father experienced while we were married. Ok, that sounds bad. I don't think that I stressed him (my ex)to the point of getting a headache and throwing up - but maybe I did. I don't know for sure.

Anyway.

Happy Happy.

There's something to be said

There's something to be said for companionship. Even only decent companionship. It's nice to have someone to talk to, to share with, to know. It's hard when you're out of school, everone deep in their own lives, no one really needing new friends. When you're alone everywhere you see how the world is made for couples. Not married or partnered, necessarily, just friends. Someone to do something with. Someone who knew where you were and where you're having to go.

A single parent is stuck in this odd connundrum where the person most available to you is seven years old. And they don't need your stuff as much as they need your support and love and example.

I'm fortunate in my life to have family close by. Parents who are friends. A sibling that loves me and likes me.

Mybe I'll get a dog.

So here's the deal

So...here's the deal. I totally got caught up in life outside of blogger and am just returning to this endeavor. There were some nice comments on my first two posts (of almost a year ago). And I'm thinking it would be good to continue this.

So much has happened this past year. From a fibro perspective, things are much better. I've been put on seroquel and have gone off of my sleep and anxiety meds as well as the trazadone I have been taking over 15 years. I found a great doc who mixes pragmatism with buddhism with intelligence and it's working for me.

I am still struggling with meaning. i.e., how do I live in this world and not have the energy or freedom from pain that I feel would be helpful in navigating it's ups and downs. Each day I spend lying in bed, waiting for a burst of energy that will enable me to shower and get dressed, feels like an eternity. And a waste. Which is exactly what I don't want my life to be. (An eternity or a waste).

I do feel as if I'm getting most of my brain function back and I'm working part time which is great.

So welcome back to me. Enjoy the ride.